Anorexic Ideology

I am using this term instead of the ones who think that ED’s are a lifestyle and not a disease and a disordered mind.

You can and have seen their pages, photos of their idols of those they wish to be just from a picture… as if all you would have to do is look like this person and your life would be filled with joy beyond your wildest hopes and dreams.

For you…

We first have the Highest Idol of them all… Miss Nicole Richie:



Her claim to fame was to be lucky enough to be adopted by Lionel Richie and saved from a life of poverty in the process. What does she do? Goes to clubs, does drugs and drives her car, pops pills to stay skinny. Oh and she is Paris Hilton’s best friend.

Her contribution to society: NOTHING. She does nothing for anyone but herself, no charity work, no donations, nothing but think the world is hers to do with as she wishes.


Next Paris Hilton…



What can we say about Paris that hasn’t already been said… not much now, but wait we are all just ugly and jealous of her now. I mean in honesty we would all want to be taped having sex, doing drugs and being a racist on video for the world to see. Yet little girls and others have her up as the body they want and who they want to be…

Her contribution to society: Not a damm thing nothing, she does no charity work nor donates any money she receives for charitable occasions she is paid to attend.

Then we have Lindsay Lohan…



Yes. I know that she doesn’t look like this any more and that is the point I am trying to make. Here was a truly happy person who is now bloated, most probably has serious drug/alcohol problems whose spark has left her eyes. If your sister, friend were her today would you idolize her? Would you want to be her?

And the listing would not be complete with out the Olsen Twins…



All I can think of is the movie The Shining and the twins that wanted to eat Danny when I see that picture, but to be fair, they don’t do much except wear bag lady clothes carry purses that I could use to a down payment on a house with and as far as I know none of their estimated 300 million dollar worth goes to anyone but them.

I posted this and was particularly vicious, to show you the superficiality of them all in one way or another, they are far from perfection any of them body wise but humanity wise their selfishness lead them to the places they are today. Yes, some will say they are young girls and make other excuses. However, this is what the girls your daughters, your sisters and friends turn on the computer and see each day not an influence? I don’t think so we live in a too influential society for the images and live stores of the rich and famous not to effect us hopefully we will all be able one day to see through them all.

The Silence of Relapse

©Marissa Alessandria-Kweens - 2007

Quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet.

The ticking of the clock is sometimes if you are lucky these are the only sounds you will hear, however most of them time it is the clanging in your mind the voices that remove you from concentration. You open a book or a magazine and you try to read and you can’t you find yourself reading the same thing over and over again and it not making sense, you flick on the TV and stare mindlessly at the screen and realize a half an hour later what you are watching isn’t making any sense.

You wish your mind would shut off, you wish you could eat, you wish you could crave food and most of all you wish you felt something instead of feeling nothing NOTHING at all. Not the aggravation you are causing your family, not the disgust you feel as you look at your hands and see the variety of pills, pills you wonder why they haven’t killed you yet, pills that leave with you the feeling that one morning you aren’t going to wake up and it will be left to your husband to discover your cache, to explain how his wife died in her sleep.

Yet you can’t stop, you want to dearly, you want to be normal, you want to be human once again, you want the pain to stop but you don’t want to lose the control. Losing control gives to you things you believe you don’t deserve, the laughter of happiness, the eating of something and feeling that tingle in your body of delight, and the support of friends who understand what you are going through because they have been there and most of all you feel that you don’t deserve that at all so you say nothing to them to anyone for fear of disappointment.

You can’t even explain to yourself why you are doing what you are doing, why you know that there are no miracle cures, how you know your body better than anyone as you listen to the beating of your heart late at night, in the silence that has become your existence. You don’t talk anymore because it’s simply too much to get the words out to explain it isn’t worth the effort since you can’t explain it to yourself. You want to go back to the light to the place of hope, but you are terrified of what this will mean of who you will become and most of all you will let yourself go and become repulsive to look at in the mirror, even though mirror’s have not been a friend to you for years now.

You jump on the scale first thing in the morning and the last thing at night and only god knows how many times in between. Half of the time you can’t move your heart is beating so fast you shake you go to the gym and watch your rate go up and down and up and down but you don’t stop, you can’t stop, you can’t be a quitter. In all of this you are silent keeping it all within yourself from the shame of what you are doing, the shame of knowing that people do care about you and the shame of letting them down; when in fact you are letting yourself down the most, slowing killing yourself because you can’t stand to be you, can’t stand to see yourself and the silence continues…***

Note: I had to write this as I have myself have relapsed and got back on track several times and this is how it felt for me, me not telling anyone and I have noticed with close friends of mine who have relapsed they say nothing until they are ready to come back and get help once again. I hope that one day we will have the courage to be in the middle and speak out about not after.

The Consequences of Eating Disorders and the Judgment of others…

By Marissa Alessandria-Kweens ©2007

I made my original MySpace account a bit over a year ago. Never really used it too much for the first six months I would have to say, I just had it to have one like everyone else. In June of 2006, I progressed from what was at first a seriously serve depression back into the cycle of my eating disorder as well rearing its ugly head to me. Something that I thought I had put behind me for at least a while came back full force. I joined groups like Cerulean Butterfly and Behind These Eyes (a very very dangerous Pro-ED group).

I joined to find support for myself and to hear others speak, what I found instead was I myself was causing harm to others, helping them encouraging them to fast with me, use other things to lose weight and to be honest after about a month or two, I wasn’t much happy with myself morally. Cause what I was doing was helping girls who didn’t have an eating disorder yet into getting one into getting something to achieve starvation at any cost, I didn’t get so much of it the “thinspriation”, “ana/mia quotes and creeds” during my worse times I never needed any of these things to lose weight all I needed was my own mind to poison me. Needless to say this sort of encouragement and behaviour didn’t last very long morally I couldn’t willing participate in the harm of others especially as so many who were so young and desperately trying to lose weight any cost. I think the breaking point for me were three of the following… finding a recommendation of taking highly addictive drugs to curb your appitite, a group owner demonstrating in detail how to make yourself purge effectively, and the starvation of a woman before my eyes while others encouraged her to continue when all she weight was 37kilos last time I read.

I joined myspace groups looking for support since so many pro-ana groups were on the web and had pretty much the same shit supporting in my opinion death. It was then I learned in certain groups of the quote “wannarexia” amongst a group of women who felt it was their right and mission in life to either be the most sickest one or challenge the other person by height/stats that they were not anorexic and quoting the DSM verbatim, over and over again and calling them fatso at the same time. When this didn’t work they would pull their pictures from their MySpace account before the hack got fixed that you couldn’t read a person’s private profile without being their friend first and further more ridiculed, by not only them but by 5-10 of their friends.

In honesty it makes me angry when I see girls who say hey “I wanna be Bulimic”, “I wanna be Anorexic” however, one thing I have learned with my own disease is that I never said either one of these things, they just happened. The freedom of saying no to food, of eating a few bites and saying no more and then the eventually self-induced vomiting when I ate too much no one had to teach me this or god help me give me support to stay that way, why would anyone in their right mind who cares for you encourage you to hurt themselves?

These girls or more disturbing grown women wanting to become Anorexic or Bulimic snap out of it… seriously they starve a few days and well get over it, they continually throw up their food and it simply becomes too hard to continue and the answer to this is that an Eating Disorder is simply that a disorder of the mind, the body and the soul. The self-hatred it encompasses is beyond my own explanation, I wish it was so simple to explain it because if I could explain it perhaps I would have an answer in how to stop it but I don’t have the answer to it and may never will.

However, calling someone a wannabe, making bullshit sites to make fun of them and cause them harm for what WHAT does it make you feel better as a person? Do you sleep better at night knowing someone might of cried themselves to sleep because of the invasion of their privacy? Ok. Wanting an Eating Disorder is not something anyone wants these children need help not to be trashed made fun of and stalked to the point that it yes does it become bullying. It does become stalking when you contact people on their friends list to see if they were really quote “Anorexic”, it becomes factious when you question their stats, demand a picture at their lowest weight for confirmation of who they are when in fact why would any sane person want to keep those types of photos? Who would want to relive that pain over and over again.

For some of you it’s a game and a game because in honesty you don’t want to be better or get better no matter how much you cry you do or the problems you have, because if you did you would not engage in such behaviour, you would not be so miserable to do that to another human being. But then its because of all the repressed anger and so much of it within yourselves that its rotted away your very soul, your being to the point you smile and laugh on the outside while inside you are already dead.

I’ve made some wonderful friends that I can hold in my hand and I have met many many two faced individuals who justify their behaviours through their own defensive mechanisms that stop them from being whole, that stop them from being human and of being whole. These are the consequences when you bully, make fun and judge others you hurt them but you kill yourself because you don’t grow, you don’t change, you all just stay the same.

Recovery: Phase 1

©Marissa Alessandria-Kweens 2007

“Wanting to achieve, and knowing you can achieve” are two different concepts. The same is true within the realms of any type of recovery.

Wanting to recover and believing and knowing that you will recover are as well two different aspects without one you cannot have the other it is only when the two are firmly enmeshed within one another that you can and will succeeded. Wanting it is simply to me NOT ENOUGH, you must believe you can, you must know you can and you must be patient have infinite patience that it will not happen overnight it will take something we have an abundance of time. Each day it is replenished a fresh new day that has never been lived before a day to start anew or continue with the old, with the safeness that is your insanity that you believe is your life.

This is my own story, you may relate and you may not relate, you may understand and you may not understand, however either that you do this is my story and will differ from your own.

***

I wake up, today is the day, today is the day that I truly begin and I am frightened out of my mind. I’ve seen the nutritionists, doctors, listened to family, friends, my dear husband and even my pets. They’ve seen the unhappiness within me, they know that I know better and they also have finally understood that it must come from me to do what I have to do.

It starts innocently enough, its just breakfast something I haven’t eaten since I was maybe 12 years old, yes it has been that long. I know the concept of why it should be eaten and why it helps however, getting the food within in me is another concept; for I am not hungry the though of putting food within me without hunger is terrorizing to me. But I go and take the bowl a bowl of oatmeal that I have prepared myself. I know that it is good for me, healthy even and has many benefits but I sit in front of it and look into the bowl, I play with it with my spoon, pick up the spoon try to put it to my lips and stop at the last minute and stick it back in the bowl. I turn and look mindlessly at the television set that is blaring. My husband beside me looks at me I can tell without even looking at him that he is shaking his head, finally he says “will you just fucking eat it all ready”. I turn to him in monotone and reply “I’m trying”.

The voice inside me the good one tells me “eat it is so good for you”. The body voice says…”eat that and it all begins, you won’t be able to stop, here comes double-wide Marissa once again”. By this time its cold the food and finally I begin to eat, its tasteless to me, it hurts as I swallow it, I think of it lying in my stomach and never ever coming out and will stay there forever, I think this because my digestive system is so screwed, so slow there is a good possibility it will take a while to come back out. Finally I finish it and my husband leaves to go to work and now comes the fun part, being alone and doing what I must alone.

I have deleted all the dangerous sites from my browser, I have considered even asking my husband to block them from my computer but dismiss the thought as where there is a will there is a way if I want go there I will go there, instead I go to my computer and talk to some of my new friends, people that want the same as me to recover. The belief is coming to me slowly that I can do this and I will do this because though a large part of me wants to die, but there is this spark of me that wants to live, that believes in tomorrow and that there is something out there for me.

I do what for me is impossible I actually eat lunch and eat alone, something else I haven’t done in a long time for unlike many I have met I don’t have a phobia of eating in front of others in fact I have used it as a control, instead eating alone for me is a big step because I am going to eat what I said I would eat and not lie and throw it in the trash and pretend I ate it, my other friend has also left the scale. She was my best friend and worst enemy rolled into one, she helped me be happy and made me punch her face many time, many, many times. Imagine being ruled by a machine…

Many times today I say to myself the things I would when I was starving when I felt I couldn’t take it anymore but in now a positive way… “Go, Marissa you can do this you will do this you are strong, go, go, go” I try to look forward to the halcyon days that I can have if I continue, the eating without guilt, the living without fear of a scale and most of all not caring what I weight or what anyone else thinks of it…

It will come in time as long as I believe and as long as I try and if I fail to pick myself back up once again from my fall.

***

My struggles I have come to realize are far from over in fact they are just beginning. How long will I be in Phase 1? I don’t have the answer, it has gotten better and gotten worse but sometimes we need to have it be worse before we can truly get better.

The Truth Hurts… but this is a part of Life…

©Marissa Alessandria-Kweens 2007

Question: Why do people have to die?
Answer: To give life worth meaning…
(taken from Dead like Me I)


From birth we are weak, needing someone to nurture us, to protect us from harm until we learn to care for ourselves. We are imperfect us all yet in life we seek to obtain this unobtainable goal in life. Sometimes this path leads us to fruition or so we thing we still however have our imperfections there are chips, our quirks that make us whole that make us human.

We are given but one life and what we make of it is up to us good or bad. We are given one body to abuse or to nurture we make this choice ourselves in each step we take. Sometimes, the need to feed, the need to numb is too great but it is no way out, instead it is a downward spiral into an abyss from which we might not recover.

There are really no substantial answers as to why one person can cope and why another person needs to find other ways to cope. The only real answer lies within ourselves, to give our lives worth meaning, to give to us what life meant to give to us a life worth meaning and not one of despair and heartache

We must know that the things we endure and LEARN from are what makes us strong as individuals however, we must learn from this or we will continue to repeat the same mistakes time after time into infinity.

We are all here for a reason, for a purpose no matter how insignificant or significant, don’t short change yourself of this purpose nor instill the belief that one thing is going to make you happy because that belief will never be realized EVER. You can make it happen I firmly believe that a person can do whatever they set their minds to but as with most people once they achieve this goal there simply becomes another one to overcome, to do, to try, instead of accepting ourselves for who and what we are and few people I find can do this, eating disorder no eating disorder, drug addiction no drug addiction, and the list goes on…

We are given one life LIVE IT, LOVE IT and ENJOY it look back later and not have it be one that is full of regret…

***

Quotes:


We have to try, no matter what the odds are. Ever action in life is a gamble. There are never any guarantees.

People strive to achieve perfection—ostensibly an honorable goal—but complete perfection is dangerous. To be imperfect, but human is far preferable.

--Frank Herbert

Egotistical vs. Self-Confidence

Marissa Alessandria-Kweens 2007

Being Egotistical and Self-Confident have nothing to do with one another or as my best friend put it Self-Absorbed. I see many young woman and men for that matter today that have this concept totally confused to the point of it becoming a joke. Your browse My Space Groups and you will find these perfection groups proclaiming whether or not you are good enough to join their groups, and anyone who has Photoshop and a bucket of make-up can make it in, it also helps if you all have the same smirk, make up and hair as well normally half covering your face and some tight little outfit on.

They truly think that they are so confident in their looks, personality and all else that matters in this world when some of them haven’t even lived long enough to gather such confidence. Come to their profiles on Myspace and you will find quotes like the following:

Im xxx-i live in PHXXX ARIZONA-BUT IM FROM 714 CALIFORNIA-I DRAW-I WRITE-I PLAY GUITAR-I CAN DO EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING-IM JUST THAT GOOD-SO DONT BOTHER ARGUING WITH ME-CUZ YOULL LOSE- :]

IM RUDE

IM MEAN

IM CONCEITED

I DONT CARE MOST OF THE TIME

GET USED TO IT

IM NOT GONNA CHANGE

I HAVE A GF-I HAVE A SON-

IM IN LOVE AND HAVE A FAMILY

AND NO ONE CAN BREAK THAT

or another…

hi, i'm xxx forty hands.i will fucking eat you alive.i wanna see what your insides look like.i'm incredibly impatient. (:i'm very very indecisive. really.i don't care about things anymore.my life goal is to have every songconor oberst has ever recorded.i like all the creepy-crawley thingsyou jump onto your seat over. (':i wanna be like a sunset to somebody.I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP,DON'T FUCKING HIT ON ME THNX <3333 !!HI MOM! stop lurking my profile. <33 (:

Those are just two but many, many more exist on myspace and in real life as well, if you don’t like them or tell them off, its because you are jealous, fat and ugly and don’t have a life not that they are a self-absorbed person who wouldn’t care if you dropped off the face of the earth. Even sadder is that they truly believe that they are self-confident and better than everyone else. We can blame the media but only so much it seems the more outrageous the behaviour of individuals the more attention it gathers. It’s fashionable to have been in rehab before you are even 21 years old and slept with everyone and their mother and don’t forget girls everyone is SUPPOSED to know what your private parts look like at all time. Some parents simply just give and give and never teach their children the value of earning something, it is why we have self-entitled princesses at the age of 15 throwing a tantrum because Mommy not only bought her the wrong Lexus for her birthday but gave it to her on the wrong day. See below:



Self-Confident people do the right thing even when everyone turns against them, they will say what they feel even if there will be a disagreement because of it, and they also will not be so mean spirited to hurt someone’s feelings purposely just cause they can. They don’t need such things to make them feel good. Self-Confidence is much more than pretty hair, clothes or who has more money. Some will say they are just kids and will out grow of such nonsense, however, you might wake up one day and realize your child is Paris Hilton still crying for her mommy to bail her out when she is already a 27 year old woman. Let’s pray for no more Paris’ and her little dogs and the two words of “That’s Hot”.

That is all…